I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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