I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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