Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He passed out mid-signature
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
