Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
