I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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