My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
