Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
