There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
false alarm, still single
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
