Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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