Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
