1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
