Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
