i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
