If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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