Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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