I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
