Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
