dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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