I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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