you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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