the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
