i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
