Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
