if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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