I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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