i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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