i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
