Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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