I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
