Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
