And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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