I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
