Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
