just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
