Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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