i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
