My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
