M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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