yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
