I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
