captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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