Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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