Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Congratulations! We have a period
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
