I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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