my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had to cum in my sink.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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