i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
