laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
