she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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