You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
