1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
