You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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