I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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