I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
